Start Me Up

So seeing as plagiarism and copyright infringement is generally frowned upon in these circles I'm going to try to be as honest as humanly possible for a creature so prone to hyperbole and slowly introduce myself and all of the ridiculous people who impinge on my personal quest to be left alone. Look, I'm not a hideous grouch, I swear, like most kids my age (24) I can drink my own body weight in wine (whilst pretending to actually know the difference between a good one and a rubbish one and feigning interest when ever-knowledgable aquaintances attempt to teach me the difference) and I'm generally sweet and personable. Generally. It's just that when I come into contact with hideous morons who seem to be sent from Hades to make my life as painful as a cat-washing contest, I immediately cease to be the loveable rogue that I try so hard to market myself as and become some sort of jugular ripping monster, spewing hate and vitriol as far as the eye can see. Seriously, if hate was a commodity, I would be Richard Branson.

So to start, howsabout a little A-Z of the hates in my life ( I hear that lists of these sorts are well popular on blogspots) :

A: Apathy - any form of disinterest in or indifference to my own personal hardships, most disconcerting when someone moves away from you mid-sentence at a cocktail party .

B: Bastards - men who: fuck you over, fuck your friends over, fuck you and never call, fucking take all your money (see Fucking Taxman) .

C: Colleagues - I vehemently dislike most of them and their inane, braincell-destroying conversation. This obviously doesn't apply to the kick-ass Super C.

D: Dogs in People Clothes - It's just selfish and unkind and I bet you wouldn't be seen dead in that hideous turquoise jumper so grant your poodle a little more street cred, lest he gets beaten up by the neighbourhood chow-chow.

E: Eddie - this is the nickname of my psychotic ex-flatmate. Hilarious stories are often told at her expense. She's a weirdo bunny boiler and therefore deserves any abuse that comes her way. Feel free to insult her if you're having a bad day and need to vent.

F: Fucking Taxman - probably wouldn't be so bad if The Company paid me decently.

G: GO - what a lame satellite channel, why don't you just call yourselves Purile Teenage Wank Channel?

H: Horror Films - cannot watch another American remake of a Japanese horror film, let alone the original. Those Japanese are seriously fucked up - The Ring damaged me beyond any kind of psychiatric assistance.

I: Illiterates - and I don't mean the type who weren't granted the luxury of education, I mean the type who make stupid comments like, "oh I haven't seen that" when you're blatantly talking about a book, not the film version of said book. Grow a brain, people.

J: Jerseys - I don't own any nice ones. The ones I do own can be grouped into 2 categories: 'overgrown skater lesbian' and 'so old-school my granny wouldn't be seen dead in it'. I refuse to invest in any more as I convince myself that summer is just around the corner.

K: Klingons - ok, this refers to both the trekkie fan variety and the socially inept. So basically the same thing then.

L: LOL - this is pure lazy. I refuse to use this abbreviation in any form of short message service or email. You may as well paste a polaroid of you sitting in your underwear, eating nik naks and surfing internet chat sites at one in the morning to your office bulletin board. Shame on you.

M: Mater - we don't get on at the moment, share in my pain...or just point and laugh, that's fine too.

N: Nerds - this is a tad unfair, seeing as I was the General Knowledge Team Captain in junior school...and the IT guy always helps me out at work. Still, I can smell the stench of his superiority when he clicks one thing to fix my (often) mulfunctioning machine. He's probably reading this right now...

O: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - my neat-freak flatmate, Commander Clean, has this.

P: Practical Jokes - man, I am NOT a fan of these. It's never funny to believe that a spider is in your hair, no matter how plastic-ey it looks.

Q: Quantum Physicists - godddamn know-it-alls.

R: Religios - these are people who are gung-ho for religion - any kind - and enjoy reminding you that you will be burning in the firey pits of hell for enjoying yourself and not sharing in their deep love of the unproven. Luckily I don't believe in hell - so bring on the margeritas and dancing girls.

S: Soup - liquidised food in a cup. Gross.

T: The Company - the place where I work. It is well documented that unless one remains super vigilant, they will always try to fuck one over. Half of The Company is currently looking for alternative employment and would rather eat their dentist's toenails than have to spend another month as a slave in this corporate sweatmill.

U: Undies - men who wear tangas/y-fronts/briefs/speedos etc should be nailed to a leper. Boxers and boxer-briefs are the way of the future. Embrace it.

V: Ventriloquists: Just. Plain. Scary. People who can converse whilst downing a pint of water are clearly in league with the devil.

W: Winter - I'm so over it already. Bring on the tacky garden furniture and the pasty beer bellies.

X: Ugh, give me a break, I really like x-rays and xylophones.

Y: Yahoo - the silver medallist of search engines.

Z: Zoo - don't tell me that the Tiger is joyous at the prospect of having to exist in a 5 x 10 concrete box for the rest of his natural life.

Geez, hopefuly this blog thing gets easier...